From “Why am I like this?” to “What happened to me?”

The Power of Curiosity in Understanding Ourselves

Ever find yourself asking, “Why am I like this?” — when you notice your quirks, your anxieties, or that old tendency to people-please in the face of authority?

I used to ask myself that question a lot. Like when I’d shrink back in meetings instead of sharing my ideas, or overthink a single comment from a colleague for days. Or when I’d second-guess my own accomplishments, always worrying I’d somehow “get in trouble” — even in spaces that were supportive.

But as I’ve deepened my work on self-awareness and healing, I’ve started shifting from that harsh question — “Why am I like this?” — to a more compassionate one: “What happened to me?”

🌱 This shift has been profound. It’s like switching from a harsh spotlight of self-blame to a warm, curious candle of understanding.

Because so much of who we are — our eccentricities, our beliefs about the world, the ways we show up in relationships — comes from core memories etched into us when we were too young to fully make sense of them.

Maybe you grew up in a household where the world felt unpredictable or even unsafe. Maybe you had to tiptoe around a parent’s mood or hold the family together. Maybe you learned that speaking up invited criticism, or that pleasing authority figures was the only way to stay safe.

These experiences shape our internal worlds. They teach us that the world is dangerous, that it’s better to please than to disappoint, that our own needs come second. And so we carry these lessons — often unconsciously — into adulthood.

💡 When I asked “Why am I like this?”, I’d find only judgment:

• You’re too sensitive.

• You’re too anxious.

• You’re too much.

But when I asked “What happened to you?”, I started to understand:

• Oh, you learned to read the room because it wasn’t always safe.

• You worried about others’ approval because that’s how you got love.

• You made yourself small because that’s how you survived.

✨ This shift from fixing and blaming to curiosity and compassion has changed how I approach my own growth — and how I show up for others. I recently came across this idea in Oprah’s book What Happened to You?, and it resonated deeply with me. The book reminded me that so many of our behaviors are subconscious or even limbic brain responses, rooted in core memories formed when we were too young to fully understand them.

Acceptance brings self-compassion — the gentle acknowledgment that this is how I learned to survive. Awareness brings insight — the understanding that this is not who I have to be forever. By observing and understanding ourselves non-judgmentally, we can begin to rewire those old patterns and break free from them.

So if you’re asking yourself, “Why am I like this?”, try shifting the question. Ask instead, “What happened to me?” — and see what emerges. You might just discover a kinder, braver, and more authentic version of yourself waiting to be seen.